Diary of A Fat Man

The following is excerpts from my diary during the first three weeks of my diet, which consists of a fiber one bar for breakfast, banana or other fruit as a snack, slim fast shake for lunch, granola/trail mix for a snack, and a sensible dinner (not really sure what that means, but I'm sensibly angry how hungry I am afterwards).

Day One

6:30 am Woke up to my alarm and am confused why my morning snickers isn't on my bed stand, then realizing that I'm starting a diet today.

6:55 am Just ate my "breakfast", a fiber one bar. Maybe if I wrap it in a pancake and dip it in oatmeal it would fill me up.
11:45 am Holding strong so far, have only passed out twice so far.

9:00 pm Decided to go to bed early so I am not distracted by my hunger.

Day Two

6:16 am Woke up a little early because I was uncomfortable and couldn't find my pillow. Surprisingly though, I don't feel hungry.

9:26 am While walking back to my office, feel a small pain, then stealthy fart out what looks like a tweetie bird.

Day Three

2:30 pm It's been rough today. First, I begged a guy for his Big Mac wrapper so I could smell it when it gets really rough, and maybe lick it if I get desperate. Then I "accidentally" trip and put money in a snack machine and a Twix pops out. My boss sees this, takes the Twix so I'm not tempted to eat it and eats it in front of me.

5:56 pm Friend bails me out of jail ten minutes before they are going to serve dinner. I cannot catch a freaking break.

Day Six

1:45 pm Co-worker notes that I look tired. I respond, " You try going through a normal day with the diet of chinchilla and we'll see how you look."

4:56 pm Officially proved that, stealing candy from a baby is easy, is a myth, sending it in to discovery channel.

Day Ten

11:35 am Due to the busyness of my day, my boss offers to buy Bill Millers for lunch. I sadly decline, and then proceed to cry uncontrollably.

Day Thirteen
5:45 pm Noticing that the diet is working. I'm already a belt notch slimmer. By this I mean around my neck, as I try to hang myself Brooks Hadley style (Shawshank).

Day Nineteen

8:31 pm Thought about making a commercial for my diet like they do for all those random medications. Here's what I came up with:

Young man struggles up the stairs chasing his children (Voice over: Tired of not being able to keep up with your kids?). Co-worker takes off his shoes at an Asian restaurant and his friends laugh while telling him he has two different color socks on. (Voice over: Tired of not being able to see your feet?). Young boy begins to run at school during gym but has to stop after of only a few seconds and is laughed by another boy. (Voice over: Tired of not being able to finish what you start?)

(Voice over: Well, we have a solution for you. Try the Justin Diet. It's simple, fun, and very affordable.)

Same young man running up stairs, this time catches up to his children, tackles them into a wall while yelling, "Not this time kiddos!" Co-worker arrives at lunch and takes off shoes, this time wearing matching socks. He enjoys his cat cuisine and laughs with his friends. Young boy begins running, this time with ease. The other boy starts to make fun of him, then realizes that the boy can run now and is headed right for him, so he wets himself.

(Then voice over speaking really fast: Side effects may include; dizziness, sharp stomach pains, anger, bitterness, short temper, post deliciousness depression, mild hallucinations, shortness of breath, constipation, diarrhea, and sense of self loathing.)

Day Twenty One

Here is a picture at the beginning of my diet.

Here is me now.